Just Married (2003)

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, Christian Kane, David Moscow.
Directed by Shawn Levy.
Written by Sam Harper.
Produced by Robert Simonds.
Distributed by 20th Century Fox.
95 minutes.

LVJeff's Rating: 2/10

Marital Miss

Just Married has a premise full of comedic potential -- two early-twentysomethings get married before they really get to know each other, then are off to a disastrous honeymoon in Europe. In fact, for part of the movie, I thought it might have something to say about the perils of pre-mature marriage. Imagine that -- a warning from Hollywood about getting hitched too soon.

But no, the movie just uses the story as the basis for a parade of disconnected sight gags. Its unfortunate pair, played by Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy, are given junior high-level personalities, which are fitting for characters requiring dopey looks every time they get clocked by something, or fits of childlike frustration whenever a challenge is presented to them. The lead roles feel less like people and more like crash-test dummies -- they exist only to be run through a battery of bad situations in an attempt to generate comedy as if it could be quantified and documented (e.g., how many times can we hit Murphy on the head before it stops being funny?). Frankly, the movie also has about as much flow, timing, and inspirational humor as statistical research.

Murphy should know better than to appear in stuff like this. We know she has real acting talent, both dramatic (8 Mile, Don't Say a Word) and comedic (Riding in Cars with Boys, Clueless). In those movies, she was actually required to be human. Here, her character has as much dimension as a trained animal, crying, laughing, and getting angry on cue. Otherwise, she fills time as a walking punching bag. What a waste.

Kutcher somehow fares better, although that's not saying much. You can tell he has the makings of a good physical comedian -- his energy and general sweetness come through in a more than couple of scenes in this movie. Most of the time, though, he's being stifled by a script that doesn't allow him to do much more than be a typically bone-headed immature male -- for instance, before he gets to flip over a chair, he must stubbornly try to stick an American plug into a European outlet. Given an original character to work with, Kutcher could display some real skill, but he'll have to wait for the next movie for that opportunity.

Just Married further hampers itself by including useless plot contrivances (like a stalker ex-boyfriend to stir up jealousy), gratingly worthless side characters (like the girl in the American bar), and offensive European and Asian ethnic stereotypes. Perhaps most sadly, it makes a half-hearted attempt in the end to say something about how hard it is to make a marriage work. The movie sloppily shoehorns this cheap lesson into a conveniently lazy happy ending, as if it's in a hurry just to get itself over with. For that gesture, I suppose I should be thankful.

©Jeffrey Chen, Jan. 8, 2003

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